Poetry: Personal Commitment by Nicola An

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Poetry is a personal commitment, and even more than that and for a poet to abandon poetry is death. I confess that I almost extinguished that fire in me, one time I just thought of forgetting about my scribbles,journals and random prompts. The truth is, the past months, my words were kind of lost in translation whenever I started to feel the need to write them down because maybe I had been confused as life turned a new leaf. Two years ago,a major shift took place in my Spiritual journey, Love being silent but not quite lenient,thinking about it now,it seems as though it happened like a second ago. The Universe just did everything needed to save me from the false dreams I couldn’t wake up from, they were just shadows leading me to return to my true light. It was grueling having to break again, to accept the disappointment and let go, close a chapter and so I felt crippled inside. The changes caused me to clear my thoughts and wipe my stained heart clean as I was beginning to see even wider horizons.Then came a year when I had a professional pursuit to fulfill that I had to lay off creative writing, and given a special day, 5th of July last year,I succeeded in that pursuit which called for a major adjustment. Days,weeks and months went that I was juggling responsibilities/priorities while I was working on myself as synchronicities arrived intensely. It was exhausting to feel yourself in different places that you wish you can hibernate.I couldn’t write anything the way that should please me because although I was whole, I felt drained, my words were stranded somewhere. Fortunately, Love is love and you can never run away from your heart.I believe awakening being a constant process, it will always come to a period of redesigning and rebuilding you, you know there’s always room for something new. Now, thank you for being there in my life, thank you for allowing my heart to beat. Here’s to a lifetime of poems!

-Infinitely,
Nicola An

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“Cleaving”

creative writing, Esoteric, love, poetry, prose, self-awareness, self-love, spiritual, words, writer, writing

cleaving

Looking at old photographs, I feel entirely estranged from a familiar time. It’s like I was always borrowed by something against my will. Bleak skies and suffocating pitch-black walls I can picture out making me cringe. As I see myself now, a fresh painting with warm colors that every loving smile I wear can emulate the sight of the sun peeking at dawn, all those old photographs are such a distant,forgotten dream. Although I may ask again if we really do forget because after all,we’re made to live through our memories but just because we’re haunted doesn’t mean we should be scared.

Becoming isn’t about putting on a new self but rather, unveiling your true self. As far as being spiritually grown, I am well aware of what I was and what I still am. Sure, I have forgiven the ways I had punished myself and understood the wounds that had to teach me my biggest lessons, nights and mornings have gotten along well with me, still and serene in between and that I have learned to dance despite the unpleasant music I sometimes have to face, there come those moments when I feel awfully alone, I sit down with the same emotions calling me out as though the little devil that used to feed me lies is creeping up again, and yet for what must be a poking miracle, I can easily brush off that unwanted presence and see the brighter reality in a single blink. I know that I can be the old me and at the same time, different from that person.

You, recognizing the slave and the master in yourself can be achieved when you allow this awakening to take over all that you’ve ever been. There will always be an aching in you, hunger and loss will still greet you venomously that you may feel your past resurfacing– this total relapse gobbling you bit by bit.

See? Like always, you fall and break but the good news is you don’t pick up those broken pieces anymore to collect and keep them but to immediately throw them away. You are both inside and outside of yourself, the one who breaks and the true Self that watches and patches up everything for you.

Remember this whenever you feel alone.Looking at old photographs, I feel entirely estranged from a familiar time. It’s like I was always borrowed by something against my will. Bleak skies and suffocating pitch-black walls I can picture out making me cringe. As I see myself now, a fresh painting with warm colors that every loving smile I wear can emulate the sight of the sun peeking at dawn, all those old photographs are such a distant,forgotten dream. Although I may ask again if we really do forget because after all,we’re made to live through our memories but just because we’re haunted doesn’t mean we should be scared.

Becoming isn’t about putting on a new self but rather, unveiling your true self. As far as being spiritually grown, I am well aware of what I was and what I still am. Sure, I have forgiven the ways I had punished myself and understood the wounds that had to teach me my biggest lessons, nights and mornings have gotten along well with me, still and serene in between and that I have learned to dance despite the unpleasant music I sometimes have to face, there come those moments when I feel awfully alone, I sit down with the same emotions calling me out as though the little devil that used to feed me lies is creeping up again, and yet for what must be a poking miracle, I can easily brush off that unwanted presence and see the brighter reality in a single blink. I know that I can be the old me and at the same time, different form that person.

You, recognizing the slave and the master in yourself can be achieved when you allow this awakening to take over all that you’ve ever been. There will always be an aching in you, hunger and loss will still greet you venomously that you may feel your past resurfacing– this total relapse gobbling you bit by bit.

See? Like always, you fall and break but the good news is you don’t pick up those broken pieces anymore to collect and keep them but to immediately throw them away. You are both inside and outside of yourself, the one who breaks and the true Self that watches and patches up everything for you.

Remember this whenever you feel alone.

 

-Nicola An

 

“Brightest One” Spoken Word Poetry by Nicola An

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CLICK TO READ AND LISTEN TO FULL POEM: “Brightest One” by Nicola An

“I grew up staring at the stars, not knowing

which one was the brightest until I saw you that

all the stars I look at now are the brightest

because looking at one is also seeing you”

spokenword

“Love doesn’t intimidate, it can only motivate ” -Nicola An

creative writing, literature, poetry, popular, spiritual, words, writer, writing
sun
Another lazy morning with me at least trying to be useful under the sun with my parents around, I was doing a small chore and I was standing by the garden when I was viewing the full-blown bloom of sunflowers at a short distance- a chain-link fence between us.
The sunflower plant actually belonged to us but for some reason we cannot identify, we can’t grow it at home the way we wanted and expected. I remembered the brief days it was gracing our garden but rapidly losing its bloom that my mom decided to replant it at the land lot next to ours, it’s an empty lot with vegetation only.
Just like that, the sunflower have come to flourish healthily and beautifully among the other flowering plants. I stared at its bloom today, a glorious spectacle marking the start of my day. However, part of me was aching because it’s thriving better away from home like we can’t make it stay just within our property. I asked my mother if there’s even a chance that we can make it come back and not wilt again. Her answer was far from yes so like a little girl crying over spilled milk, I felt defeated that I was thinking out loud: “So even if it belongs to us, we can’t have it with us?”…
Startled, I heard my father responding to me with at least a positive tone “It’s fine just as long as we can see it from here”. I was totally caught off guard, I can only ponder deeply and arrive at a brighter perspective. I was able to let go, not only of the sunflower but of the thought and emotion that had been challenging me the past days.
I didn’t need to identify the reason it wasn’t growing at home, everything happened to teach me a lesson, to identify the reason in myself.
Sometimes, when we know it full well what’s best for the people we Love, we need to consider the choice of allowing them to be in the place where they can live better and do better.
Perhaps, we have to admit that we don’t have enough YET to be the best for them but letting them go doesn’t mean shutting our eyes as if they don’t exist. “I will make that plant grow well with me in time”- the very glorious sight of those we Love should stand as our inspiration to be better than who we are today.
Love doesn’t intimidate, it can only motivate
-Nicola An

“Sink or Float” Poem

art, creative writing, literature, love, mainstream, poem, poetry, Uncategorized, writing

I always love taught by the ocean
However,I question the longevity
For this isn’t as deep as the
current that helped me propel when
life at its worst fell
As my heart then learns what
choice to keep
” to sink or to float?”
.
He may be as fancy as a brand
new glistening boat
Such sight in thought reminds me
of the BALMY breeze and WARMTH
for free
I’ve been feeding my own depth
selfishly to drown for another
selflessly
This, a point of resolve to stay
on the surface, my body in
EFFORTLESSLY ways
Floating and fairly breathing
Because now I’d rather look
at LOVE in the most precious
grinning SUN up above –

IMG_20180922_181154_694 art & poem by Nicola An

Aloneness

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Getting on with life through moments and chances, seeing and feeling what is necessary and what is provided, gladly taking in everything that is already there and yet glimpsing at an occasional episode of a disquieting thought like a shrill of warning piercing you inside. By and by, some things make an abrupt landing on your shoulders, one is when you surrender to the realization that what if what you have been greatly mastering leads you to failing, your comfort ccollapsing?


Such is the case for someone who has continuously earned the solitary days. Along the journey of finding bliss in solitude, getting so used to both inner and outer self while allowing the HEART to beat and the SOUL to search, I am bound to fear the confidence of aloneness, that this being all composed and distant where I stand still appreciating the gloom, I might miss what’s waiting for me behind the fog; which part of the world I must tend and nurture because as long as the skies whisper, there is somewhere that asks me to listen.

Life is always so clever teaching that what you highly gain turns out to instigate your pitfall. Maybe I have been too much at healing myself, I have forgotten that to love myself more is to manifest that love where it also belongs

– Nicola An