“Cleaving”

creative writing, Esoteric, love, poetry, prose, self-awareness, self-love, spiritual, words, writer, writing

cleaving

Looking at old photographs, I feel entirely estranged from a familiar time. It’s like I was always borrowed by something against my will. Bleak skies and suffocating pitch-black walls I can picture out making me cringe. As I see myself now, a fresh painting with warm colors that every loving smile I wear can emulate the sight of the sun peeking at dawn, all those old photographs are such a distant,forgotten dream. Although I may ask again if we really do forget because after all,we’re made to live through our memories but just because we’re haunted doesn’t mean we should be scared.

Becoming isn’t about putting on a new self but rather, unveiling your true self. As far as being spiritually grown, I am well aware of what I was and what I still am. Sure, I have forgiven the ways I had punished myself and understood the wounds that had to teach me my biggest lessons, nights and mornings have gotten along well with me, still and serene in between and that I have learned to dance despite the unpleasant music I sometimes have to face, there come those moments when I feel awfully alone, I sit down with the same emotions calling me out as though the little devil that used to feed me lies is creeping up again, and yet for what must be a poking miracle, I can easily brush off that unwanted presence and see the brighter reality in a single blink. I know that I can be the old me and at the same time, different from that person.

You, recognizing the slave and the master in yourself can be achieved when you allow this awakening to take over all that you’ve ever been. There will always be an aching in you, hunger and loss will still greet you venomously that you may feel your past resurfacing– this total relapse gobbling you bit by bit.

See? Like always, you fall and break but the good news is you don’t pick up those broken pieces anymore to collect and keep them but to immediately throw them away. You are both inside and outside of yourself, the one who breaks and the true Self that watches and patches up everything for you.

Remember this whenever you feel alone.Looking at old photographs, I feel entirely estranged from a familiar time. It’s like I was always borrowed by something against my will. Bleak skies and suffocating pitch-black walls I can picture out making me cringe. As I see myself now, a fresh painting with warm colors that every loving smile I wear can emulate the sight of the sun peeking at dawn, all those old photographs are such a distant,forgotten dream. Although I may ask again if we really do forget because after all,we’re made to live through our memories but just because we’re haunted doesn’t mean we should be scared.

Becoming isn’t about putting on a new self but rather, unveiling your true self. As far as being spiritually grown, I am well aware of what I was and what I still am. Sure, I have forgiven the ways I had punished myself and understood the wounds that had to teach me my biggest lessons, nights and mornings have gotten along well with me, still and serene in between and that I have learned to dance despite the unpleasant music I sometimes have to face, there come those moments when I feel awfully alone, I sit down with the same emotions calling me out as though the little devil that used to feed me lies is creeping up again, and yet for what must be a poking miracle, I can easily brush off that unwanted presence and see the brighter reality in a single blink. I know that I can be the old me and at the same time, different form that person.

You, recognizing the slave and the master in yourself can be achieved when you allow this awakening to take over all that you’ve ever been. There will always be an aching in you, hunger and loss will still greet you venomously that you may feel your past resurfacing– this total relapse gobbling you bit by bit.

See? Like always, you fall and break but the good news is you don’t pick up those broken pieces anymore to collect and keep them but to immediately throw them away. You are both inside and outside of yourself, the one who breaks and the true Self that watches and patches up everything for you.

Remember this whenever you feel alone.

 

-Nicola An

 

Advertisements

23rd Year

art, buddhism, creative writing, literary, literature, love, poem, poetry, popular, spiritual, Uncategorized, writing

Here’s to 2 3 years of borrowing this lifetime-this exhilarating and whimsical school of life. 2 3 years of being lost only to be found. 2 3 years of dreaming illusions before waking up to truth cannot be revoked. 2 3 years of giving and to be given more than what is expected. 2 3 years of being too much of myself and to finally let go and surrender to emptiness grandly liberating. 2 3 years of holding back and now allowing what is necessary to be there. 2 3 years of constantly feeling different yet always easily creating home. 2 3 and many years of loving unconditionally. My dear Universe, earth is beautiful, I am deeply honored, bless all the souls with me here. Happy 23rd birthday to this human I am grateful to take care of very well. My Soul loves me so much, I am infinite!
Only Love Only Light
-Nicola An

International Women’s Day

creative writing, literary, literature, love, photo, poetry, popular, prose, spiritual, words, writng

#internationalwomensday

Woman, the #Universe bows before you; you are clothed with light, a body etched with luminaries-every scar, ever blemish,every deformity, every damage for a true queen isn’t a skin-deep perfection but a spiritual masterpiece best rising through recognized flaws.

Most of all, you are a warrior, do not plead the world on weak knees, let it lean against your armor, and tell yourself henceforth that you are capable of anything in life for you are the ultimate vessel of life!

-Infinitely,

Nicola An

“The Universe at Heartbeat” by Nicola An [Poetry Book]

buddhism, creative writing, literary, literature, mainstream, poem, poetess, poetry, popular, spiritual, Uncategorized, words, writer, writng

 

kindle.png

“a testimony made through poetry and prose that tells a young journey of an old soul conveying love as the utmost life of the universe; this book is ours”

Link to purchase: Shelf

Preview of the book: BOOK TRAILER

NOTE:

While I’m working on my final requirement to publish in paperback, I also make my first poetry book available in kindle . To those who wish to have a company in times of self-discovery, fighting for their dreams, having a hard time loving and even in times when they are the hopefully hopeless romantic type, I am one with you all. I bleed words for you. The universe is always with you whatever that journey you’re leading on your own!

Much love and gratitude,

Nicola An

 

The Tougher Question

creative writing, literary, literature, poetess, popular, prose, psychology, Uncategorized, writing

blog0002

When we encounter people we’ve never seen in a long time or when we get to talk to a specific person we trust the most [usually a best friend] after a busy day, sometimes the first question that comes from them is “how are you now?”. Of course you may breezily say “I’m fine.” to keep a light conversation, it could be a lie if you are silently choking on it but at some point of your life you can say it with truthfulness if you go on fighting albeit the constant struggles.

In the past years of being all broken, you probably prayed that at the end of the tunnel your light will be that honest answer of you saying “I’m fine.” Finally, after overcoming the throes of depression and forgiving yourself, it must be your proudest moment having to see that light. But just when you knew you had passed the test, it turned out that it wasn’t the hardest one yet.

Suddenly life threw you a question if you are happy. At a loss for words, it’s as though you were brought in front of an empty white wall and you were told to try to read what wasn’t even there, you just stared and held your breath.

Here is the thing, it is quite a dilemma especially when the ego detects a challenge; to make it easy for you you will respond “yes, I am happy!” even if something inside you is holding back but then you will come out real and admit that you are not happy because you just realized it’s unbecoming to pretend. The good news is you don’t feel weak and ashamed at all after admitting, and you shortly comprehend that what you meant was “I’m not happy but I’m not miserable anymore.” If unhappiness before was like wanting to die right away, today it’s just as simple as taking a nap to de-stress.

Just because you are now a better person than you were does not mean you should always completely give the assurance to yourself that you are away from the monsters that lurk at every corner of the world. Overcoming depression is about being brave enough to accept the dark phase of life, it is knowing and understanding that perennial sadness can be a blessing, it is a rare strength you could ever acquire.

Being unhappy doesn’t always mean you are losing hope, sometimes it is this comforting thought: “life is hard but I am still alive.”

 

-Nicola An

 

Forgive Yourself

creative writing, literature, prose, words

Every single day, forgive yourself for your wrong choices, for the risks you never took, for the tasks you failed to accomplish and for the love you never had the courage to tell. Be aware that the wrong things have to happen no matter how good and right you are in life, the wrong things are always the messenger of your beautiful days, enough blaming yourself, enough thinking you are the worst, give in to the bad times and make peace with your mistakes. Do not hold a weapon against yourself. Sometimes the war ends when one decides not to fight anymore.

-Yours truly