Aloneness

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Getting on with life through moments and chances, seeing and feeling what is necessary and what is provided, gladly taking in everything that is already there and yet glimpsing at an occasional episode of a disquieting thought like a shrill of warning piercing you inside. By and by, some things make an abrupt landing on your shoulders, one is when you surrender to the realization that what if what you have been greatly mastering leads you to failing, your comfort ccollapsing?


Such is the case for someone who has continuously earned the solitary days. Along the journey of finding bliss in solitude, getting so used to both inner and outer self while allowing the HEART to beat and the SOUL to search, I am bound to fear the confidence of aloneness, that this being all composed and distant where I stand still appreciating the gloom, I might miss what’s waiting for me behind the fog; which part of the world I must tend and nurture because as long as the skies whisper, there is somewhere that asks me to listen.

Life is always so clever teaching that what you highly gain turns out to instigate your pitfall. Maybe I have been too much at healing myself, I have forgotten that to love myself more is to manifest that love where it also belongs

– Nicola An

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A Whisper of Positivity 

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If you are weary, scared and shattered, I hope this can help:
Acknowledging that there is Oneness,it’s impossible not to empathize, it’s real frustrating, affecting a feeling of being so powerless. I’ve been trying to make every tragic news fall on my deaf ears but the more resilient you are, the more you get pushed and the last straw is when the “opposite of the light” is well aware of your weakness, it takes one incident to eventuate your fall. Sometimes the way to the light is quite wobbly, I won’t sugarcoat spirituality.It is a SILENT BATTLE UNSEEN. I know that some of you can comprehend, and some only read this with immediate confusion and even a flicker of unfavorable impression;nevertheless,I believe that we all dream of salvation, redemption, peace…of heaven even here on #earth because we all have hopes and goals,chased or ignored.It is our purpose to look forward to happier beginnings so we can go back to paradise we’ve been told we came from and only when we choose the good, do the good and SEE the good can we return HOME.If you want to consider the “bad”, yes! It’s the “opposite of the light” taunting and daunting you so you will surrender to its darkness but please, this is the best moment to look at things as the Higher Power’s test how adamant you are when it comes to fulfilling what drives you to reaching your higher self!Just because it’s not safe anywhere doesn’t mean you stay shut and immobile, get out, the world is for adventures.Just because they say the end is near doesn’t mean you end your quest for bliss, every single day is full of forever! Just because people punish and kill doesn’t mean no one can be trusted and no one deserves forgiveness, an act of strong compassion always makes a HEART beat. Just because atrocity is omnipresent and viral doesn’t mean TRUE LOVE is hard to be found, what isn’t easily attained is always worth the fight! 

Do not decorate your own deathbed by giving up living.Remember that everything is a test of #FAITH.

-Infinitely,Nicola An

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I know that sometimes-or perhaps right now-the thought of somewhere on the other side you call “a better place” gives you the sole comfort, as though running away is always the answer. You look at the yonder horizon and wish for someplace else where no one knows you and everyone has sweeter words that are always music to your ears, where things hurt less and everything won’t be out of hand and against you,where you can stroll around or even run blithely without having to feel like you are a scene unwanted,where people have eyes to see your soul and not to look at how incorrigible the flaws you wear,and most of all where breathing and following your heart will be equally easy. Sure, there is a dream of an idyllic life, we always ask for the better, you hate it here because you don’t belong here so there must be a right place where you should be. You feel like a captive now in your own present life because you are still here and freedom seems to be so far away- these are all because you just want to escape.Do not cheat on your¬† fate. Do you know why you are here?

Because everything is already here, you are here because you belong here. Where you are is where you belong and where you are called to serve the world, even the aged tree knows it stays where it was planted because for decades it remains as the nearest tree where people run to whenever it rains.

It’s the process of life not only for yourself but for others as well.
Wanting to be away from here to be “there” is the torture, you are half present and half absent. No one can walk properly with feet apart.

-Yours truly

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Yesterday’s scene was unplanned: I guess having my town as a chosen location for my thesis project was a blessing since after I went to talk to our town’s planner I was too consumed with sentiments when the rain continued to pour so I decided to take my time to get back to my past no matter how I tried to escape it.
Most of the time we tend to pretend our past does not exist when everything is so comforting in our today but then the truth is our today needs our real commitment to it if we would like to move on, and the way to be really settling with where we are now is to bravely recognize where we were yesterday because if we only relish life by only seeing the good things in front of us, we are only healing temporarily, we are playing safe.
I admit it took me quite a long time to truly accept that what I was running from will perpetually be towing behind me, until yesterday I found myself once again walking in town, my hometown and I was too amazed to feel at ease.
I lost myself few years back-my heart still contracts thinking about this-and I lost every part of me that I was so proud of. When I was much younger I was such a pretty bird,free and always felt as the center of attraction and attention. I used to have the stars in everything that I did, and as the age of mine came when I began to feel-when I began to feel the poignancy of life,all I had was a pitch-black sky.
It was not easy hiding your rawness, in my case I never had the courage to seek help because I was too young, I was not in my best state of mind dealing with an overwhelming heartache that as it grew along with my physical growth I built walls and stayed with shadows, I became a bleak view to look at and I shattered through and through.
Part of course of losing myself was my struggle to endure seeing where I took for granted a lot of me; when I was able to leave home to study in a big city, somehow I was able to begin again. I collected experiences, discovered places, saw new faces and gave my heart an even more wonderful journey to love. I had come to know who I was supposed to be, I found where to belong; nevertheless, having to come home frightened me that I got to get stuck in an irony of home not being home at all. I knew I was just escaping when I always craved to run away.
I guess yesterday I finally made amends with my past as the rain saturated the afternoon with intense nostalgia-the center of everything, of bittersweet memories. Most people stared at me as though I was a foreign entity even if I was from this town, it hit me that it had been a very long time since I last existed here that some I met on the way smiled at me like I was a worthy stranger being welcomed.
I liked the new people I saw and the changes in places, it’s too good to see that the world does go on and you feel yourself in it. Perhaps the times with weight in my core were too strong taking me away from where I began, from where I was born and developed my being with a lot of losing, breaking and hurting.
Now in this same place with everything evolving and my soul growing I can say that anywhere is home no matter how uncomfortable and feeble you are in where you’re standing, you learn to be at home anywhere when you smile at every person you see and when you leave a part of you with so much gratitude for the life you are still having.
So I reconciled with my hometown,I kissed her again for I knew she did miss me as I looked back to my old self and thanked her for bringing me to the best that I can be today.

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