It is a quietly disturbing dilemma; there is a sudden point when you shun your routine or habit though it’s been your shoulder to lean on.I still haven’t claimed being a “writer” despite writing on a regular basis.
Sometimes they look up because you are a “mountain of difficult words and aesthetic language”, sometimes they degrade ’cause you are a “wretched soul with a head full of old-fashioned mush”,worse when their game is making judgments such as you’re acting as if you’re better than anyone,and you’re just trying to be a worldwide preacher.It is good to be listened to,a human pleasure.But to be a “writer” is to be just a singer because you can sing a song, a painter ’cause you can run the brush across the canvas.It’s a risk to write down and when one writes it’s not a mastery of words.In my case,never been outspoken and there are things that take sitting down for a period of time until you’re making sense so you take down the notes from your own contemplation, and I’ve come to be aware that maybe #socialmedia has been dominating, we’re too stolen by the wanting of immediate exposure. Lately,I’ve been doubting if I’m writing for myself still while discussing the eruption of happenings keeping me hungry for answers, or for people who identify me as the “writer”,you know the substance of something loses when it becomes an object to attract attention. Oh God,don’t know where I walk here,just wanna say I am afraid my journey is beginning to get shallow when what I do is falling into the ego’s childish interest.I am uncomfortable thinking that it will be just the words and flowery construction readers will be after,then I guess it is just the pressure from expectations and anxiety about what they make out of who you are by what you tell. Yet I rely also on the idea that there are people out somewhere who need solutions and lessons, those who seek the same clarity and awakening…
*Sighs* I think I am torn between wishing to reach out and wanting to rest away from the distorted verdict of the world.
One morning you just woke up to the face of your dream.
I honestly wanted to run this race a little longer thinking it still wasn’t the time yet but I realized maybe the running wasn’t to further but to escape. I know I have learned to fit the positive version of myself, I worked the best that I can on my life to gain it but there comes a time still when I become quite a pain on my own neck when I fail to fully grasp when there is something given to me to celebrate and later ache for having that constant feeling of being stuck at the bottom. Last night (Wednesday) was a gift of heaven to have an exclusive time just talking to my best(soul)friend sharing this news that I have received the copy, and I had to confess how hard it was to look for that spark in me to feel the right emotion, I was having blues I couldn’t understand, that’s when I was told that I’ve been indulging fears, said I always don’t give it all out reason why I don’t have it all in return. I had it once, when a great dream was standing right in front of me, it’s like I just gave a brief glimpse and walked away as if I didn’t struggle alone to reach it. Oh God as human, I am still in the process, and I am willing to restore confidence so HERE I AM, RAW AND BRAVE to give you the key and get inside my universe. The door is yours. I won’t miss another day of my life pretending it’s still okay not to bring you light and even if there might be a source of negativity around taking advantage of my vulnerability, I have to remind myself I am alive because I choose to follow my heart. Also, a dream is more worth the fight if it isn’t just the self in it but the Love you witness that you wish to speak to everybody’s heart to grant God’s incredible work of miracles and magic. I am not an aspiring praised writer here but just a mere child of the universe with infinite hopes to be an instrument of truth and love, and a soul wishing to FIND that RIGHT PLACE to send a message of gratitude.
It’s almost a year since I sat in one corner imagining to make this a reality : “The Universe at Heartbeat” by yours truly, Nicola An Poetry Book: “The Universe at Heartbeat” by Nicola An
PS:August is definitely my month. I admire my parents so much.
As April [ Poetry Month] ends:
“Poetry is a matter of life, not just a matter of language” – Lucille Clifton
Not how you read it or write it; I pretty much believe humans are poets, each piece is interpreted or expressed in simultaneous and various ways and the world, the world is a whole book of poetry.
As for me, it is my soul, my lasting birth.
“a testimony made through poetry and prose that tells a young journey of an old soul conveying love as the utmost life of the universe; this book is ours”
Link to purchase: Shelf
Preview of the book: BOOK TRAILER
While I’m working on my final requirement to publish in paperback, I also make my first poetry book available in kindle . To those who wish to have a company in times of self-discovery, fighting for their dreams, having a hard time loving and even in times when they are the hopefully hopeless romantic type, I am one with you all. I bleed words for you. The universe is always with you whatever that journey you’re leading on your own!
Much love and gratitude,