Typhoon Blues

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I am a rain person, in fact I’m one of those who do not get fed up with photos of the raindrops against a clear glass.

Rainy days are sweet despite the gloom; they make you feel like you’re deeply cared because they seem to understand your untold stories inside. They go along with your suppressed tears [excuse that this sounds poetic].

Being at home while I receive no announcement from school yet needing our pending thesis requirements, I bask in the weather and no place is more appropriate than home when it rains. Here I am actually in my room doing random stuffs while silently brooding.

However, I do not enjoy rainy nights especially when it’s a typhoon rain. Come to think of the night being dark and the rain is too loud, it’s quite a dread picture. Also I think I have this trauma because it’s one of my childhood nightmares when it rains heavily at night, reminiscing the typhoon experiences we had.

Now here you go typhoon Lando. My province is quite fortunate we don’t always get the damage these days, but I received a text message from my friend living in the different region. No electricity there and there’s a flood already.

Good Lord, I implore that no pre-Christmas tragedy shall befall again. My country had been through a lot of misfortune and tribulation due to typhoons.It’s heartbreaking when too many families will have their Christmas mourning.

Send help Holy Spirit!

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Different Paths.

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When you feel the weight of growing up, the harder things get, the better “you” you should build.
Most people think when you’re the little one in the family, it’s the easiest life you can possess. Technically true for some,not in my case though. I am not saying it’s the hardest; what I am trying to point out is, being the last one to grow up with an effusively, vulnerable heart it isn’t an easy job in this planet seeing everyone going. I admit I had my mistake getting away from everybody’s concern when adolescence made me inconsolable. Of course there’s no such thing as perfect family. Even if we are living with a stable relationship, there were failed times particularly those when we missed to delve into personal experiences and issues. We gained stories we left inside us, untold. I had my own resentment and heartache but to finally touch those empty spaces at home and to notice the indifference and suppressed affection, I reached the peak of feeling as though I was abandoned, that when you’re the last one to grow up you’re easily forgotten. I felt that I cannot be a priority anymore but as I listened and watched, my silence never lost the worries and fears for whatever that may come upon them.
I still can’t believe how I possibly did it, because of some inevitable shit, my walls began to collapse and I fixed my bad patches through their brokenness. Life will never be a promise of perfection but I get through my pains because of my loved ones, my family.
I could sulk like a spoiled, selfish brat for they always overlook my joys and troubles but I could not because life is simultaneously happening to each of us, and as much as it sucks to endure the separation, I believe it is also best for us to find different paths.
We all have a family but we are all individuals in the utmost reality. The thing is, we all get to that journey of departing from the ones we love to learn to depend on ourselves. Anyway, we can only come back home when we are already whole.

-N

You Lost.Get Found in Solitude

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I tend to worry when people assume solitude to be that dire situation pushing you into the precipice of dying thinking isolation is the chance to entertain troubles-to alter this,I’d like you to treat solitude with wisdom. Solitude is neither self-destruction nor social anxiety, it’s actually the total evaluation and appreciation of your being. Nobody knows you but yourself, nobody ever sees what you see, and nobody else is going to live your life for you so you should actually embrace your own silence-the silence that will bring you back to your soul.In silence, you hear the sound of your heartbeat and you feel the spaces around you that you want to fill with “something”. Your heartbeat and the spaces around you will remind you of everything you desire, of everything you wish to hold and this is how you will live. In solitude, contemplate the places you want to go to, the experiences you dare to acquire, the stories you want to write and tell, the pictures you want to paint, the songs you want to play, the people you love and want to be with and the greater you you intend to become-these thoughts give meaning to your life for these are the thoughts you want to turn into things. So take some time in a quiet corner and listen to your heart and soul, only in the stillness of the world you will have a clearer vision of what you want to be and where you want to be, only in solitude you will capture the core of your existence and because of this you gain your strength and confidence, you begin to expand your understanding. You begin to see where you are at the moment and become aware of the next step.
-Yours truly

Peace

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It is possible to have a peace of mind; the best that I keep teaching myself is to always remember that the world I’m living in is created by my state of mind, that no outside force-especially the “unproductive” and the “unhealthy”- should dictate what I plant in my head. We are only disturbed and ruined because we often worry about what everyone else will say and think about ourselves. You own your body, you own your life, you own your decisions and dreams that no one knows about so why bother if they always have something to say about you? Even those who make you feel bad have their own lives too so if one evil speaks just to belittle or berate you, be confident to say “You may keep judging me if you want to I wouldn’t stop you because it’s your life’s choice but then I won’t also judge you back since I don’t know much about your life.” Always choose goodness and respond a word that will guide their spirituality; understanding one’s evil tongue instead of repulsing their being for it is also a form of peace. -Yours truly

Today’s Meditation

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Chaos, cruelty, poverty-all these things I try to ignore not because I care less but because I care with an aching compassion and yet I know I cannot save the world on my own and I can’t control everyone. But I tell you this, you are fortunate enough to still have a life but indeed it’s the truth that you can’t be certain of what happens next. Just keep holding on to your faith and always focus on the good, attract the light and every positive energy and you’ll be guided and guarded. It’s sad when you cannot save everyone but then this is the way life is, what had passed should pass,accept and let go, remain where you are and improve it. You can’t control anyone’s life because you have your own-this is how we all live alone
-Yours truly

To the First Star that Didn’t Fall

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June 22

She knows it’s all over, the waiting and the hoping, and where she is now makes the moving on easier.But there are still those times when she can’t help herself rolling back the years just to see if how much of the lonesome feeling had eventually took the flight into the void. Like looking at the sand on the palm; you watch the grains slowly slipping away, she has to make sure she’s all free of the burden.

Because maybe until now she fears that part of her still holds on to the past, that her other foot is still stuck there since it’s an irrevocable truth that her history will always be her ghost.She fears because she knows there is that shadow of her there she would never want to carry ever again and because in there she can somehow feel the palpable loss and the weakness making her small.

But they say love is a choice and your fate is written on the course you desire; the best thing now is she truly sees where she wants to go and she chooses to pursue the path that leads there, that despite the sudden relapse and occasional reminiscence she has a better vision and a better place for her heart to stay.

Though truth be told she is not certain enough of the direction she’s going, she knows that her faith in it had saved her and it made her believe once more. She had come to see how her life had really become life, and most of all she didn’t just find herself, she did find the right person in her that the one she lost was just a mere facet of her existence. Now she blooms like a paradise that does not run out of beauty and light, she knows she’s in a much better place and perhaps it is the home that used to be so distant from her, it still is a surprise to her that she finally opened the door to it.

So to the first star that didn’t fall- the first love she never had,it’s been nine years. It was her great pleasure staring at you out of her reach-it’s how she learned not to make the same mistake of just staring at the little fainting light for she realized she deserved the sun ahead and she’s on her way to follow it.

Exquisite Gust

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This afternoon the mood of the weather was unexpected; all of a sudden the sky darkened and it’s like the strong wind was competing with the current of the sea.
It was apparently a ghastly sight and it was a rare condition, it was as if an inexplicable phenomena was about to divulge. I am a weird human so when nature starts to rage at an unexpected time, I presume something that isn’t tangible, something that only metaphysics can explain is having an activity.
Either way I was just feeding my imaginations but probably there’s truth there. But then I liked the feeling of just standing on the shore, even if the weather was quite terrifying I was more inclined to the pleasure of just allowing myself to touch the wind even if it did not have a physical appearance.
It was exquisite because at the moment-with the aggressive blow of the wind- I had felt like I was with something that I couldn’t see and hold, at least I can feel its raw touch on my body and soul as I resigned myself to it. At the moment the wind made me feel that I did not have to hold something to have it with me, I just had to give myself the freedom to open up to the world. With my heart getting along with nature, I knew that whatever that’s close to it was everywhere and so it’s almost like I can have it with me. 🙂
I had conjured the message when William Blake wrote “Never seek to tell thy love
Love that never told can be;
For the silent wind does move
Silently, invisibly”