Letter of Apology to Divine Love

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Dear Love,

Please forgive this heart, forgive my current situation, the sudden panic and confusion.

Please forgive me for the bitter words I threw at your name, for what you were in the world at that moment.

Please forgive me for pushing Love away just because it kept pulling you closer to me.

Please forgive my impatience, for letting myself give in to my human weaknesses.

Please forgive me for ever saying that I hated you the most in this world just because I cannot run away from you even if I wanted to forget you ever happened to me.

Please forgive me that I’m still going to let myself down for a while, that I am not strong enough yet to keep fighting for this Love, for turning my back on this Light.

But know that I can’t breathe well, my heart is hurting in ways that I find fatal that I am getting sick, though I am completely sticking to this weakness, I know I will survive soon for your Divine Love will always hold me.

Oh sweet Soul, forgive this heart for being tired of this world.
I love you still


your Divine Love in the third dimension


To Wander Without Feeling Lost 

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Yesterday,I was overflowing with mirth being able to run some errands across the island without having the pain of fighting for a consent, been blessed to be working for a boss who also encourages capabilities not only as an employee but as an individual.

It was a spontaneous task but it was a grand idea I fully accepted. While traveling alone is almost a mundane routine to some, to me it was a rare opportunity; being the youngest sometimes feels strangling when trusting your growth to be independent lags behind, it is understood that parents can’t easily let go especially when you become the “last one left”-this teaches me to no longer resent.

But for whatever reason I made it yesterday, thank you for that one day, freedom isn’t wanting to run away at all, it is returning to existence, solitude is the only path to true consciousness, sometimes you just have to walk your own footsteps then you’ll be surprised ’cause only when you walk alone you can pay attention.

Never knew that it was possible to just wander without feeling lost, to exist without fears. Thank you,thank you,thank you!


Nicola An

Old Pages



Perhaps today’s the right day to dump my keepsakes of that “old deepest feeling” or of the time when I was attached to the sadness for that feeling.
I realized those stuffs will keep appearing and I’ll just reopen the wounds which didn’t make sense anymore.
So today I burned those little works of sentiments I had,the diaries most of all. It was not easy to let go of those old stories of me, of my innocent heartaches because that person’s been with me, she’s like a friend I didn’t want to see leaving. Only that the old person must be the burden weighing me down; so long as she’s there she’ll only keep hauling me towards her.
When I burned the stuffs,I admit I felt bad because it was an act of destruction but I felt good because it was freedom!
I read some pages before the fire and I ached not for the reason why she wrote them, I ached for the person who wrote them, the weak young girl who didn’t have an idea how to get through the smothered nights. Then today I watched her leave,I watched her in ashes, she’s now free and didn’t have to stay here to suffer.


Bedroom Sacredness



Grateful for the kind rain this afternoon, I got to feel the serenity of everything around me and did a little yoga.
This certainly is my room, this,where I always belong. I think a room is more than just a four-walled enclosure, it’s your universe, it knows and understands you very well. This, the only place that’s been keeping your secrets and witnessing your mysteries. Perhaps this is why bed time always feels like going home despite the fact that it’s actually a part of home. Well, I guess a house is the palace and your bedroom is your throne.
See here it’s as though I praise/hail, guess it’s my own soul I try to summon.


Typhoon Blues



I am a rain person, in fact I’m one of those who do not get fed up with photos of the raindrops against a clear glass.

Rainy days are sweet despite the gloom; they make you feel like you’re deeply cared because they seem to understand your untold stories inside. They go along with your suppressed tears [excuse that this sounds poetic].

Being at home while I receive no announcement from school yet needing our pending thesis requirements, I bask in the weather and no place is more appropriate than home when it rains. Here I am actually in my room doing random stuffs while silently brooding.

However, I do not enjoy rainy nights especially when it’s a typhoon rain. Come to think of the night being dark and the rain is too loud, it’s quite a dread picture. Also I think I have this trauma because it’s one of my childhood nightmares when it rains heavily at night, reminiscing the typhoon experiences we had.

Now here you go typhoon Lando. My province is quite fortunate we don’t always get the damage these days, but I received a text message from my friend living in the different region. No electricity there and there’s a flood already.

Good Lord, I implore that no pre-Christmas tragedy shall befall again. My country had been through a lot of misfortune and tribulation due to typhoons.It’s heartbreaking when too many families will have their Christmas mourning.

Send help Holy Spirit!

Different Paths.


When you feel the weight of growing up, the harder things get, the better “you” you should build.
Most people think when you’re the little one in the family, it’s the easiest life you can possess. Technically true for some,not in my case though. I am not saying it’s the hardest; what I am trying to point out is, being the last one to grow up with an effusively, vulnerable heart it isn’t an easy job in this planet seeing everyone going. I admit I had my mistake getting away from everybody’s concern when adolescence made me inconsolable. Of course there’s no such thing as perfect family. Even if we are living with a stable relationship, there were failed times particularly those when we missed to delve into personal experiences and issues. We gained stories we left inside us, untold. I had my own resentment and heartache but to finally touch those empty spaces at home and to notice the indifference and suppressed affection, I reached the peak of feeling as though I was abandoned, that when you’re the last one to grow up you’re easily forgotten. I felt that I cannot be a priority anymore but as I listened and watched, my silence never lost the worries and fears for whatever that may come upon them.
I still can’t believe how I possibly did it, because of some inevitable shit, my walls began to collapse and I fixed my bad patches through their brokenness. Life will never be a promise of perfection but I get through my pains because of my loved ones, my family.
I could sulk like a spoiled, selfish brat for they always overlook my joys and troubles but I could not because life is simultaneously happening to each of us, and as much as it sucks to endure the separation, I believe it is also best for us to find different paths.
We all have a family but we are all individuals in the utmost reality. The thing is, we all get to that journey of departing from the ones we love to learn to depend on ourselves. Anyway, we can only come back home when we are already whole.


You Lost.Get Found in Solitude



I tend to worry when people assume solitude to be that dire situation pushing you into the precipice of dying thinking isolation is the chance to entertain troubles-to alter this,I’d like you to treat solitude with wisdom. Solitude is neither self-destruction nor social anxiety, it’s actually the total evaluation and appreciation of your being. Nobody knows you but yourself, nobody ever sees what you see, and nobody else is going to live your life for you so you should actually embrace your own silence-the silence that will bring you back to your soul.In silence, you hear the sound of your heartbeat and you feel the spaces around you that you want to fill with “something”. Your heartbeat and the spaces around you will remind you of everything you desire, of everything you wish to hold and this is how you will live. In solitude, contemplate the places you want to go to, the experiences you dare to acquire, the stories you want to write and tell, the pictures you want to paint, the songs you want to play, the people you love and want to be with and the greater you you intend to become-these thoughts give meaning to your life for these are the thoughts you want to turn into things. So take some time in a quiet corner and listen to your heart and soul, only in the stillness of the world you will have a clearer vision of what you want to be and where you want to be, only in solitude you will capture the core of your existence and because of this you gain your strength and confidence, you begin to expand your understanding. You begin to see where you are at the moment and become aware of the next step.
-Yours truly