Just when I thought I’ve forgotten the scars I took in my flesh and my shadow from yesteryears, a clean start looks like it is about ready to be tainted. I’m afraid I’ve been so used to getting hurt, I’ve acquired an incurable addiction to heartache
The qualms that deter for it’s clearly presumed that remembrance is time’s gift whether we like it or not, gone does not mean forgotten
As my heart sings again, an echo of its previous songs remains in the background but should this be about what I try to hear again or what I audibly hear at the moment?
The world says you can’t love again unless your heart has completely healed but isn’t loving again the only way to heal a pained love?What if it’s the right person you prayed for, you don’t need to appear all new and sound that maybe only in these moments of living loving you do I get the complete healing I deserve?
Now I understand why I still felt broken no matter how I greatly took care of myself. Like a true love’s kiss made to break a curse, maybe you’re the exact antidote to treat my heart, the healer that Love wanted me to wait for…[hopefully]
-art and words by Nicola An
I always love taught by the ocean
However,I question the longevity
For this isn’t as deep as the
current that helped me propel when
life at its worst fell
As my heart then learns what
choice to keep
” to sink or to float?”
He may be as fancy as a brand
new glistening boat
Such sight in thought reminds me
of the BALMY breeze and WARMTH
I’ve been feeding my own depth
selfishly to drown for another
This, a point of resolve to stay
on the surface, my body in
Floating and fairly breathing
Because now I’d rather look
at LOVE in the most precious
grinning SUN up above –
art & poem by Nicola An
[Am I like one of the Cherokee healers in one of my past lives? ]
The other night before sleep, I randomly thought of reading about herbs and did not expect to read something great about uses of flowers particularly blue hydrangeas, the next morning I was surprised when we went to my sister’s house and I saw a bunch of blue hydrangeas! What’s even more special was the fact that I had been having a constant thought of blue flowers.
Please forgive this heart, forgive my current situation, the sudden panic and confusion.
Please forgive me for the bitter words I threw at your name, for what you were in the world at that moment.
Please forgive me for pushing Love away just because it kept pulling you closer to me.
Please forgive my impatience, for letting myself give in to my human weaknesses.
Please forgive me for ever saying that I hated you the most in this world just because I cannot run away from you even if I wanted to forget you ever happened to me.
Please forgive me that I’m still going to let myself down for a while, that I am not strong enough yet to keep fighting for this Love, for turning my back on this Light.
But know that I can’t breathe well, my heart is hurting in ways that I find fatal that I am getting sick, though I am completely sticking to this weakness, I know I will survive soon for your Divine Love will always hold me.
Oh sweet Soul, forgive this heart for being tired of this world.
I love you still
your Divine Love in the third dimension
Yesterday,I was overflowing with mirth being able to run some errands across the island without having the pain of fighting for a consent, been blessed to be working for a boss who also encourages capabilities not only as an employee but as an individual.
It was a spontaneous task but it was a grand idea I fully accepted. While traveling alone is almost a mundane routine to some, to me it was a rare opportunity; being the youngest sometimes feels strangling when trusting your growth to be independent lags behind, it is understood that parents can’t easily let go especially when you become the “last one left”-this teaches me to no longer resent.
But for whatever reason I made it yesterday, thank you for that one day, freedom isn’t wanting to run away at all, it is returning to existence, solitude is the only path to true consciousness, sometimes you just have to walk your own footsteps then you’ll be surprised ’cause only when you walk alone you can pay attention.
Never knew that it was possible to just wander without feeling lost, to exist without fears. Thank you,thank you,thank you!
Perhaps today’s the right day to dump my keepsakes of that “old deepest feeling” or of the time when I was attached to the sadness for that feeling.
I realized those stuffs will keep appearing and I’ll just reopen the wounds which didn’t make sense anymore.
So today I burned those little works of sentiments I had,the diaries most of all. It was not easy to let go of those old stories of me, of my innocent heartaches because that person’s been with me, she’s like a friend I didn’t want to see leaving. Only that the old person must be the burden weighing me down; so long as she’s there she’ll only keep hauling me towards her.
When I burned the stuffs,I admit I felt bad because it was an act of destruction but I felt good because it was freedom!
I read some pages before the fire and I ached not for the reason why she wrote them, I ached for the person who wrote them, the weak young girl who didn’t have an idea how to get through the smothered nights. Then today I watched her leave,I watched her in ashes, she’s now free and didn’t have to stay here to suffer.
Grateful for the kind rain this afternoon, I got to feel the serenity of everything around me and did a little yoga.
This certainly is my room, this,where I always belong. I think a room is more than just a four-walled enclosure, it’s your universe, it knows and understands you very well. This, the only place that’s been keeping your secrets and witnessing your mysteries. Perhaps this is why bed time always feels like going home despite the fact that it’s actually a part of home. Well, I guess a house is the palace and your bedroom is your throne.
See here it’s as though I praise/hail, guess it’s my own soul I try to summon.