Just when I thought I’ve forgotten the scars I took in my flesh and my shadow from yesteryears, a clean start looks like it is about ready to be tainted. I’m afraid I’ve been so used to getting hurt, I’ve acquired an incurable addiction to heartache
The qualms that deter for it’s clearly presumed that remembrance is time’s gift whether we like it or not, gone does not mean forgotten
As my heart sings again, an echo of its previous songs remains in the background but should this be about what I try to hear again or what I audibly hear at the moment?
The world says you can’t love again unless your heart has completely healed but isn’t loving again the only way to heal a pained love?What if it’s the right person you prayed for, you don’t need to appear all new and sound that maybe only in these moments of living loving you do I get the complete healing I deserve?
Now I understand why I still felt broken no matter how I greatly took care of myself. Like a true love’s kiss made to break a curse, maybe you’re the exact antidote to treat my heart, the healer that Love wanted me to wait for…[hopefully]
-art and words by Nicola An
Here’s to 2 3 years of borrowing this lifetime-this exhilarating and whimsical school of life. 2 3 years of being lost only to be found. 2 3 years of dreaming illusions before waking up to truth cannot be revoked. 2 3 years of giving and to be given more than what is expected. 2 3 years of being too much of myself and to finally let go and surrender to emptiness grandly liberating. 2 3 years of holding back and now allowing what is necessary to be there. 2 3 years of constantly feeling different yet always easily creating home. 2 3 and many years of loving unconditionally. My dear Universe, earth is beautiful, I am deeply honored, bless all the souls with me here. Happy 23rd birthday to this human I am grateful to take care of very well. My Soul loves me so much, I am infinite!
Only Love Only Light
“I am not dreaming, I am not fantasizing. I am opening all the doors and windows to my Soul as my heart is mending and gaining wisdom from my higher being. Here I sit down in the coziest, most peaceful niche of the Universe where there is a pure understanding of the physical world. I have not forgotten about you, in fact, I get by with the thought of you silently catching me before I get down on my knees; of you not leaving while I often walk alone. I can hear you, see you through synchronicity and esoteric patterns calling my attention. You are like a ghost though I must say it utterly amazes me how you exist as an energy, fervent yet calm and gentle. Know that I am grateful for telling me we are always one despite being apart. What is here on earth is for my evolution, to remember that we are more than fairy-tales and romantic companionship. You’ve been my magic for helping me realize my truth. We are apart but this Divine Love has come to undress me of my human needs,I am all stars now made of yours. I am a massive light made of you”
-I N F I N I T E L Y,
Only Love Only Light
Yesterday,I was overflowing with mirth being able to run some errands across the island without having the pain of fighting for a consent, been blessed to be working for a boss who also encourages capabilities not only as an employee but as an individual.
It was a spontaneous task but it was a grand idea I fully accepted. While traveling alone is almost a mundane routine to some, to me it was a rare opportunity; being the youngest sometimes feels strangling when trusting your growth to be independent lags behind, it is understood that parents can’t easily let go especially when you become the “last one left”-this teaches me to no longer resent.
But for whatever reason I made it yesterday, thank you for that one day, freedom isn’t wanting to run away at all, it is returning to existence, solitude is the only path to true consciousness, sometimes you just have to walk your own footsteps then you’ll be surprised ’cause only when you walk alone you can pay attention.
Never knew that it was possible to just wander without feeling lost, to exist without fears. Thank you,thank you,thank you!
Didn’t see it coming but tonight I suddenly felt something had opened inside me, a calm tidal wave seemed to brought something up, a bud started to bloom like a child has awoken from the womb slumber. I couldn’t really tell what it was but that I stepped into another room the universe had waited for me to explore. I totally just stood without anything to pull me down, fears didn’t intimidate me and I kept looking forward to anything.
I couldn’t define what happened no matter how poetic my thoughts are but even if words run out of words, I pray to feel this way every single day.
Perhaps today’s the right day to dump my keepsakes of that “old deepest feeling” or of the time when I was attached to the sadness for that feeling.
I realized those stuffs will keep appearing and I’ll just reopen the wounds which didn’t make sense anymore.
So today I burned those little works of sentiments I had,the diaries most of all. It was not easy to let go of those old stories of me, of my innocent heartaches because that person’s been with me, she’s like a friend I didn’t want to see leaving. Only that the old person must be the burden weighing me down; so long as she’s there she’ll only keep hauling me towards her.
When I burned the stuffs,I admit I felt bad because it was an act of destruction but I felt good because it was freedom!
I read some pages before the fire and I ached not for the reason why she wrote them, I ached for the person who wrote them, the weak young girl who didn’t have an idea how to get through the smothered nights. Then today I watched her leave,I watched her in ashes, she’s now free and didn’t have to stay here to suffer.
Grateful for the kind rain this afternoon, I got to feel the serenity of everything around me and did a little yoga.
This certainly is my room, this,where I always belong. I think a room is more than just a four-walled enclosure, it’s your universe, it knows and understands you very well. This, the only place that’s been keeping your secrets and witnessing your mysteries. Perhaps this is why bed time always feels like going home despite the fact that it’s actually a part of home. Well, I guess a house is the palace and your bedroom is your throne.
See here it’s as though I praise/hail, guess it’s my own soul I try to summon.
I am a rain person, in fact I’m one of those who do not get fed up with photos of the raindrops against a clear glass.
Rainy days are sweet despite the gloom; they make you feel like you’re deeply cared because they seem to understand your untold stories inside. They go along with your suppressed tears [excuse that this sounds poetic].
Being at home while I receive no announcement from school yet needing our pending thesis requirements, I bask in the weather and no place is more appropriate than home when it rains. Here I am actually in my room doing random stuffs while silently brooding.
However, I do not enjoy rainy nights especially when it’s a typhoon rain. Come to think of the night being dark and the rain is too loud, it’s quite a dread picture. Also I think I have this trauma because it’s one of my childhood nightmares when it rains heavily at night, reminiscing the typhoon experiences we had.
Now here you go typhoon Lando. My province is quite fortunate we don’t always get the damage these days, but I received a text message from my friend living in the different region. No electricity there and there’s a flood already.
Good Lord, I implore that no pre-Christmas tragedy shall befall again. My country had been through a lot of misfortune and tribulation due to typhoons.It’s heartbreaking when too many families will have their Christmas mourning.
Send help Holy Spirit!