“Cleaving”

creative writing, Esoteric, love, poetry, prose, self-awareness, self-love, spiritual, words, writer, writing

cleaving

Looking at old photographs, I feel entirely estranged from a familiar time. It’s like I was always borrowed by something against my will. Bleak skies and suffocating pitch-black walls I can picture out making me cringe. As I see myself now, a fresh painting with warm colors that every loving smile I wear can emulate the sight of the sun peeking at dawn, all those old photographs are such a distant,forgotten dream. Although I may ask again if we really do forget because after all,we’re made to live through our memories but just because we’re haunted doesn’t mean we should be scared.

Becoming isn’t about putting on a new self but rather, unveiling your true self. As far as being spiritually grown, I am well aware of what I was and what I still am. Sure, I have forgiven the ways I had punished myself and understood the wounds that had to teach me my biggest lessons, nights and mornings have gotten along well with me, still and serene in between and that I have learned to dance despite the unpleasant music I sometimes have to face, there come those moments when I feel awfully alone, I sit down with the same emotions calling me out as though the little devil that used to feed me lies is creeping up again, and yet for what must be a poking miracle, I can easily brush off that unwanted presence and see the brighter reality in a single blink. I know that I can be the old me and at the same time, different from that person.

You, recognizing the slave and the master in yourself can be achieved when you allow this awakening to take over all that you’ve ever been. There will always be an aching in you, hunger and loss will still greet you venomously that you may feel your past resurfacing– this total relapse gobbling you bit by bit.

See? Like always, you fall and break but the good news is you don’t pick up those broken pieces anymore to collect and keep them but to immediately throw them away. You are both inside and outside of yourself, the one who breaks and the true Self that watches and patches up everything for you.

Remember this whenever you feel alone.Looking at old photographs, I feel entirely estranged from a familiar time. It’s like I was always borrowed by something against my will. Bleak skies and suffocating pitch-black walls I can picture out making me cringe. As I see myself now, a fresh painting with warm colors that every loving smile I wear can emulate the sight of the sun peeking at dawn, all those old photographs are such a distant,forgotten dream. Although I may ask again if we really do forget because after all,we’re made to live through our memories but just because we’re haunted doesn’t mean we should be scared.

Becoming isn’t about putting on a new self but rather, unveiling your true self. As far as being spiritually grown, I am well aware of what I was and what I still am. Sure, I have forgiven the ways I had punished myself and understood the wounds that had to teach me my biggest lessons, nights and mornings have gotten along well with me, still and serene in between and that I have learned to dance despite the unpleasant music I sometimes have to face, there come those moments when I feel awfully alone, I sit down with the same emotions calling me out as though the little devil that used to feed me lies is creeping up again, and yet for what must be a poking miracle, I can easily brush off that unwanted presence and see the brighter reality in a single blink. I know that I can be the old me and at the same time, different form that person.

You, recognizing the slave and the master in yourself can be achieved when you allow this awakening to take over all that you’ve ever been. There will always be an aching in you, hunger and loss will still greet you venomously that you may feel your past resurfacing– this total relapse gobbling you bit by bit.

See? Like always, you fall and break but the good news is you don’t pick up those broken pieces anymore to collect and keep them but to immediately throw them away. You are both inside and outside of yourself, the one who breaks and the true Self that watches and patches up everything for you.

Remember this whenever you feel alone.

 

-Nicola An

 

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MERRY CHRISTMAS

art, creative writing, love, spiritual, writng

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May this picture remind you that you always carry a Light in you, as the child of the supernal God, the seed of the Universe; you’re one of the chosen beings if you choose to see and nurture that Light
– Infinitely, Nicola An

MERRY CHRISTMAAAAAS!!! My heart swells with brimming gratitude that I get to spend Christmas not having to miss anyone or anything else because when the heart is this full, it can traverse all continents. 😂😂😂
I love you 💖
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#onlyloveonlylight

23rd Year

art, buddhism, creative writing, literary, literature, love, poem, poetry, popular, spiritual, Uncategorized, writing

Here’s to 2 3 years of borrowing this lifetime-this exhilarating and whimsical school of life. 2 3 years of being lost only to be found. 2 3 years of dreaming illusions before waking up to truth cannot be revoked. 2 3 years of giving and to be given more than what is expected. 2 3 years of being too much of myself and to finally let go and surrender to emptiness grandly liberating. 2 3 years of holding back and now allowing what is necessary to be there. 2 3 years of constantly feeling different yet always easily creating home. 2 3 and many years of loving unconditionally. My dear Universe, earth is beautiful, I am deeply honored, bless all the souls with me here. Happy 23rd birthday to this human I am grateful to take care of very well. My Soul loves me so much, I am infinite!
Only Love Only Light
-Nicola An

12:21

creative writing, literary, literature, love, poetess, poetry, prose, spiritual, words, writer

Who was I but a clumsy child in love, tripping and falling down on the ground, watering the poor grass with tears made of defeat and hopelessness. Days and nights were both a total blackout when I used to stare at the sky and the moon and the stars had a torturous sight of melancholy that made all my smiles unreachable.

I always thought that the greatest love was to feel and endure it for someone who didn’t have the clue about it, that waiting for years was the best to remain in pain, I never ever saw that there was something more powerful. All those desperate days of looking at a distant horizon was not just a dream of a far away destiny but a searching for the beyond.

How beautiful, how supernal it is to suddenly find yourself by seeing someone you didn’t realize you’re looking for but felt a sense of coming back to where you just left and what you’ve forgotten all this time. Like your eyes laid on such view of existence and you can hear your voice in your head asking “where did I last see you?”, it’s as if there’s just a brief interval before you met that person once again. 

You even wonder why the hell they’re pulling your inside and you told yourself “if only we knew each other but maybe we should really know each other”, at a single moment of something you vaguely identify is stirring up and you cannot quite settle down with the present reality that you’re not together, that there is a brewing madness in you oddly resenting your separation and differences- you know the face before you even learn the name. 

It’s when you catch a butterfly scene and you want to chase it until it flies back to you because it’s supposed to happen even if it is a new type of a butterfly in the meadow you had not seen before, then in a tiny blink it seems to be the one you’ve always had the pleasure of watching albeit hardly remembering when.

I’ve always construed that love was just a troubling and confusing condition of the heart, the enormous palpitations, and now it’s all clear and wide-open to me that it’s the soul’s journey of returning home, taking back what was lost many lives ago.

To be too broken was to be vulnerable so you could be receptive and resilient enough when the right path knocks on your door no matter how frightening the circumstances will be because even what’s right will have flaws and drawbacks.

They say you cannoy love someone when you do not love yourself but sometimes you just instantly and finally find that someone whose existence grandly inspires you to love yourself more than you ever did before even if they aren’t doing anything-an effortless pouring of grace.

One day, the sun shines brighter, being brand new and full of life. You may wonder and ponder until you rely on the possibility that LOVE truly is a mysterious phenomenon you simply accept and be your infinite faith.

This is just the beginning…
-Nicola An